I love going home and staying at the Parent Chateau. Not only do I gain five pounds in 48 hours, but I revert about 15 years. It’s amazing. When I arrive I am a full-fledged adult, and about an hour in I’ve lost the ability to do my laundry, feed myself on time and closing the bedroom door is met with a knock and a panicked, “Mama, is everything okay?”
Home. Home sweet home.
It’s a magical castle where goodies appear out of nowhere! I ask for a clementine and to my surprise a bowl of clementines with Hershey kisses appears next to me. If I go to my upper quarters for more than an hour, when I return downstairs my dirty clothes are not only clean and folded but a stash of groceries have manifested:
“But Ma, I don’t use that much olive oil.”
“Hay mama, they come in a three-pack. Now you have extra.”
I look through the magic bags of food. To my surprise there is a blender.
“Ma, is this a blender? I don’t need-”
“Mama, you love smoothies. Now you can make them at home.”
You don’t drink smoothies, but you always go with the flow in the magic castle.
The hardest part is speaking in the magic castle. When you speak you are guaranteed to be interrupted or asked to play translator:
“Mama that’s great- you should really get a haircut.”
“I’m so glad work is good – Mama, what’s that movie with Scarlett Johansson? I saw it but I forget the name of it. It’s from 2014. Yes you do. You remember. We spoke that day I saw it.”
When you go to check out of the castle, the bell-hop (Papi) helps you pack your bags. You arrived with one and after two days you leave with five. They offer you a limo service: “Mama, you want us drive you back?” You politely decline and insist on public transportation. You haul your laundry bag, three cases of olive oil into the trunk of the limo. When you go to sit in the passenger seat, you discover you grew a pair of love handles over the weekend. “Fantastic,” you say to yourself. This always happens – it’s a 24 hour buffet at the magic castle.
Home. Home sweet home.