“Dear Jackie,” Letters from My Best Self

Jacqueline is my legal name. My “stage” name. The name I use to communicate to the world that I am an adult and deserve your trust. Then there’s “Jackie.” Jackie is…well, an untamed poodle. Jacqueline gets stuff done and has a raging intolerance for injustice. Jackie on the other hand knocks on her roommate’s door early to ask her if she heard her dancing to Beyonce at 1am the night before. Completely sober.

Jackie is me in my purest form and Jacqueline is my best self. Jackie needs a lot of taming and Jacqueline saves Jackie’s life several times a day. So I’m going to start writing letters from my best self to Jackie. Aka transcribed conversations I have with myself. Every day.

“Dear Jackie,

It took you 7 sentences longer than needed to get to your point. Trust that people will get it.

Love,

Your Best Self

“She Knows”- A Ne-Yo Song Parody that Supports Women

“She Knows,” A Ne-Yo song parody where women are hit on for the size of their books, rather than the size of their boobs. Written, produced and starring yours truly:

When I first heard the song, “She Knows,” naively I thought it was celebrating smart women, until I watched the video and realized it was about women who knew how to strip on a pole. I was so offended that I said, “No, I won’t let hip-hip or men define us this way anymore,” and as a result wrote a song that empowers women and celebrates us for our minds.

My wish? For women and men to speak up and take these images of women being portrayed as sexual objects personally – not dismissing it as the “media” or cultural norm.  If we continue to perpetuate these images, we will struggle to raise confident, healthy and well-rounded girls.

This video represents what I know women to be: Hard-working, intelligent, engaged with the world, silly, fierce and will gladly yell at the television during a Presidential debate.

 

 

Mucho Comedy Mondays: 10 Things Men Don’t Hear From the Opposite Sex

10 Things Men Never Hear From the Opposite Sex:

  1. “Wow, I can’t believe you’re funny.”
  2. “It’s nice you’re not shy about eating – most men are.”
  3. Discussion of a current event is met with “I’m surprised you know that.”
  4. “Do you ever date people that are shorter than you?”
  5. “You’re look so exotic. Like J. Lo”
  6. “You don’t like to shop? That’s so weird.”
  7. “I don’t date men above the age of 32. I can get 23 year old men.”
  8. “I thought you looked mean, but then realized you’re focused on your work”
  9. “Love the attitude – so sassy!”
  10. “I can tell you’re one of those independent men, but down to earth at the same time.”

A bonus and my personal favorite:

11. “Damn, boo! Don’t walk so fast – I’m just trying to be your friend.”

Procrastination

procrastination- noun

(proh-kras-tuhney-shuh n)
1. The act of delaying to write your blog post until the very last minute. Also known as an effective way to avoid unpacking from a weekend trip.
She began a thoughtful essay about procrastination – but wasn’t able to complete it because she chose to watch Request Dance Crew videos on Youtube instead was crippled with self-doubt. 

Mucho Comedy Mondays: “Mama, I read your blog. Are you lonely?”

Moms. Gotta love them. Her full-time job is to worry about me and remind me my eyebrows need to be shaped. Not only did she create an account to comment on my blog (Mama, I signed up for a blog!), but she read every post and liked each one. To my delight, I officially have a stalker on Word Press. A snippet from our phone conversation (she calls me Mama):

“Mama, I looked up your blog. Mamita I’m so proud of you, you’re so funny. I read every single one. But mama I called your sister. Hay – Mama, I had to. I asked her if she read your blog. What’d I say? Oh mama, I don’t know – something like “Trace, do you think she’s lonely?” Mama I can’t help it- I feel bad. Wouldn’t you feel bad too if I wrote on the internet I was sad then- yes, I know mama. We all have bad days. But if you read I was sad on the internet you would be worried too and tell me ‘Hey Ma, I just read you were sad.’ You would call me t- Hay mama, I just worry. I know, I know it’s life. But you would come to me if you were sad, right? Okay, okay I just want you to be happy. Your sister said you quote her too.”

End of scene.

Mucho Comedy Mondays: Ode to Similac

Oh Similac, Similac
How I love thee
You keep my baby’s tummy full
Instead of him wailing in the backseat
You have to be lukewarm
Which makes Mommy’s life a treat
Especially when her eyes are bloodshot;
Heating you up at 3am is always a feat!.
You are the nourishing powder
That helps my sweet pea grow
Until you projectile vomit on Daddy’s jersey
And we say, “Well, at least we gave it a go.”
Every time I think you’re safe,
And in my baby’s tummy you’ll stay;
You somehow end up on Mommy’s clothes
Before she even starts her day.

A weekend stay at the Parent Chateau

I love going home and staying at the Parent Chateau. Not only do I gain five pounds in 48 hours, but I revert about 15 years. It’s amazing. When I arrive I am a full-fledged adult, and about an hour in I’ve lost the ability to do my laundry,  feed myself on time and closing the bedroom door is met with a knock and a panicked, “Mama, is everything okay?”

Home. Home sweet home.

It’s a magical castle where goodies appear out of nowhere! I ask for a clementine and to my surprise a bowl of clementines with Hershey kisses appears next to me. If I go to my upper quarters for more than an hour, when I return downstairs my dirty clothes are not only clean and folded but a stash of groceries have manifested:

“But Ma, I don’t use that much olive oil.”

“Hay mama, they come in a three-pack. Now you have extra.”

I look through the magic bags of food. To my surprise there is a blender.

“Ma, is this a blender? I don’t need-”

“Mama, you  love smoothies. Now you can make them at home.”

You don’t drink smoothies, but you always go with the flow in the magic castle.

The hardest part is speaking in the magic castle. When you speak you are guaranteed to be interrupted or asked to play translator:

“Mama that’s great- you should really get a haircut.”

“I’m so glad work is good – Mama, what’s that movie with Scarlett Johansson? I saw it but I forget the name of it. It’s from 2014. Yes you do. You remember. We spoke that day I saw it.”

When you go to check out of the castle, the bell-hop (Papi) helps you pack your bags. You arrived with one and after two days you leave with five. They offer you a limo service: “Mama, you want us drive you back?” You politely decline and insist on public transportation. You haul your laundry bag, three cases of olive oil into the trunk of the limo. When you go to sit in the passenger seat, you discover you grew a pair of love handles over the weekend. “Fantastic,” you say to yourself. This always happens – it’s a 24 hour buffet at the magic castle.

Home. Home sweet home.