Giving into my fear

I have a confession to make: I never wanted to start this blog. There are so many “blogs” out there and people’s opinion masquerading as facts that the last thing I wanted to do was to contribute to the “sea of crap” that can be the internet. I don’t want to be another whiny millennnial complaining about my struggles or try to manufacture sentimentality in someone with my breezy but meaningful post. I hate that crap. If you dress up crap in pretty clothes, it’s still crap. But if you write the truth, there’s nothing you can do to hide from it. 

I knew once I started this, it would only be a matter of time before I would crack. And by crack I mean speak my truth.  After a month of writing jokes, being sassy and “dressing up the crap”, the true me/controversial me wants to come out (clearly).  As I put myself and my work out there more, and push myself into the “unknown,” I’m starting to feel more wobbly. More fearful.

I remember when I was younger my mom told me I would get hurt a lot in life – I was too trusting and always saw the best of people. But as I get older I realize more and more it’s actually the opposite – those who shutdown, don’t ask for help or “protect their heart” are the ones who miss out- I am truly not risking anything if I put up a front all of the time. Even writing here, I’ve noticed I use comedy a lot to hide behind what I truly want to say. Comedy comes easy for me. Don’t get me wrong – comedians jobs are to tell the truth and observe society exactly how it is. It’s also an art form that takes years to master- but letting people see the messy me is hard- funny me is much easier. And everyone likes it more- I am hilarious.

Today I woke up really cranky and annoyed. When I finally boiled it down to why I was in a funk, I realized I’ve been hiding on here from what I truly want to say. For the past week I’ve been waiting until 11pm to start writing and waiting to last minute so I’m forced choose something to write about. And when I’m forced to choose, it’s usually something that comes easily to me. Like writing about singing La Bamba- there is no self-doubt or fear when it comes to revealing I sang La Bamba in front of strangers; I welcome this behavior daily. (See, here I go again)

It’s difficult sometimes for me to be transparent and put myself out there, but being “coy” doesn’t help other people open up their hearts . As I’m writing this, I’ve had a knot in my stomach knowing that I will be sharing this but it’s a positive thing. I’ve found when I’m the most honest with myself and share it with others, I get the most genuine responses.

When I took my first creative writing class in college and had to workshop my first assignment, I thought I was going to vomit. Literally. I am a very outgoing and extroverted person; I love to travel, explore, talk to strangers- but sharing a poem about something personal that happened to me made me weak in the knees. The thought of people hearing how I truly felt terrified me. It still does. If you could feel how fast my heart is beating as I write this, you would think Tom Hardy is sitting across from me (a girl can dream). But to my dismay ,he’s not – it’s me expressing myself on a virtual cloud at a really noisy Panera.

Moral of the story: I survived my work being read aloud in my writing class. I’ve survived when I’ve felt massive rejection in my work. I’ve survived devastating heart break where I didn’t sleep for two months. Anytime I’ve put my heart there out there and gave into my fear – no matter the outcome- I’ve survived and grown. That’s the reason I started this blog. To go “there,” be true to exactly what’s in my heart. I can’t lose when I do that.

I know tomorrow I will cringe when I read this, and most likely post something funny about loving cupcakes as a follow up, but for today the truth is kicking in my belly. And it feels good.